Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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