A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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