Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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