well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
it's great music for shaving your balls
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
