It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
