you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
