Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
