Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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