God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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