don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Barsexuality is the new black.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
