Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
