Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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