Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
