I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
