Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
