my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
