My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
