Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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