I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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