In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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