If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
