In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
