Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
