When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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