So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
