She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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