I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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