Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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