Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
