You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
