He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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