The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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