all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
