Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
