I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
my poor anus
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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