I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
