also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
