I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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