It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
