Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
