if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The uberlube is also flammable
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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