It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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