i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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