I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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