I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My bed smells like the plague
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
