he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
