The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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