You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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