She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
