I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
