I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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