I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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