Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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