I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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