Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
