I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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