why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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