If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
