Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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