I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
